Dear Friends and Family,
I had an interesting
encounter with a stranger on a ski slope a few weeks ago. I approached her
after she had fallen and lay motionless in the snow. I was concerned she had
injured herself, so I asked if she was okay. She said she had bumped her head pretty
hard. I offered her a sip of water, which she gratefully accepted. When she sat
up to drink, she removed her helmet and complained of a headache. In an effort
to comfort her ego, I mentioned that the day's ski conditions were tough. She
nodded then replied with exasperation, "Yes, and they're even harder
without poles and only one arm." It wasn't until then that I became aware
of her disability.
This chance encounter
was a reminder for me that we cross paths with survivors everywhere we go
whether we realize it or not. My unexpected interaction with this woman on a
quintessential Colorado ski day was a reminder. A reminder that I am grateful
for my health, yes, my health. Because being healthy in mind and spirit
enables me to persevere despite extreme circumstances. I like to think I’m not
living with cancer, rather it is living with me...there is a difference. It is
still my body and I monitor how to keep it as healthy as I can through
exercise, diet and sleep. I do what it takes to breath in and out every day and
take the good and the not so good in stride. I have a hard time with being
deemed a “warrior,” or a “fighter,” which are words that have become synonymous
with cancer. Recently, I’ve been searching for the word that best describes how I
approach cancer, but I haven’t found it yet. I will let you know when I do.
As of late, I’m
feeling more at ease with my cancer diagnosis—only took eight years to get here. I
could complain all day about having a serious illness and all the bad things
that have come with it, but that’s not going to get me very far. I blame cancer
for taking away a lot, but on the flip side, what has it given me? I'm not setting
out to have appreciation for cancer or feel warmth with its presence in my
life, but I am willing to let go of the negativity the "C" word
invokes for me personally. In truth, what it comes down to after living with cancer since
2008 is that I'd rather be respectful of the potential damage it can do and
reign in that invisible power, than don armor and fight as if I'm a warrior.
Over time, I have chosen to "speak" to my internal enemy with respect
and with the visceral knowledge that it is capable of great harm, but I will do
everything I can to stay focused on living and loving my life. This
outlook makes me feel stronger than I’ve ever been.
Clean MRIs also give
me strength and focus to keep on keeping on. I'm pleased to report that last
week's MRI returned without any signs of regrowth. You may remember there was
potential cause for concern from my MRI late January that led to a PET scan.
Fortunately, that specific area of enhancement has not grown or changed,
therefore leading my doctor to believe it is scar tissue from radiation and not
a tumor. This is clearly what we wanted to hear!
Having spent periods
of time in North Carolina this past year due to cancer treatment and doctor
visits, I have grown to really enjoy my trips to Durham despite my reason for
being there. It is a charming, up-and-coming city that Erin and I have enjoyed
exploring and watch grow. In some ways it's a getaway for Erin and me, or in
the instance last week, my trip was extended into a mini-mama retreat. Due to
Mother Nature's wintery unleashing in Colorado the day of my departure from Durham, my
original flight was cancelled and delayed by two days! Fortunately, Erin
managed his way around the storm since he had to go to work and the boys were in good hands with their Aunt Molly, who also lives in Fort Collins.
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| Snowshoeing at Eldora Ski Resort |
On the Alex and Dean
front: we've truly loved every minute of introducing our 7 and 4 year-old to the ski slopes and watching them learn to "pizza" (wedge
that slows them down) and "French fry" (parallel ski) down the hill. They’re
sprouting up so fast! In other Spring-related news, I’m happy to report that my
hair has shown signs of growth!! Nothing too significant yet, but it's
something! As we transition from one season to the next, I've purchased a
wig. Fun fact most people don't know is that many wigs are given catalog names. I bought Alicia in 2008, who is cute, but I find her hot and itchy. Therefore,
I recently purchased Alicia's sister, Felicia (I named her myself). You can
meet her in the photo below. Felicia must be worn with a hat or scarf, but I
prefer this option over a full wig because it's more comfortable, cooler, and
less itchy. Plus, I get the benefit of length and color from my 20s!
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| Meet Felicia |
If I haven't
explicitly said it before, I am tolerating the targeted chemotherapy pill quite well.
My most notable side effect is loss of taste--nothing a little hot sauce can't
cure. Not being able to taste food is actually quite annoying since it takes
away the joy of eating despite hunger and cravings. However, in the grand
scheme of the things I've lost due to cancer, temporarily losing one of my
senses is nothing. At least I can still smell the flowers!
Wishing you a lovely
Spring wherever you may be. Next MRI in mid-May and next blog after that.
Love,
Sareana
